I recall it as the second time we met, I remember that’s when the butterflies in my stomach started or how i would go for the extra twenty minutes to get ready when I knew I would be seeing you. Little did I know I’d be seeing you everywhere, but I’m not complaining, seeing your smile would light up my day. And our conversations were constantly lingering in my mind, there was no escaping your existence, but my heart told me that it would be okay.
Laying there in a house that belonged to neither of us, alone in a room I remember the first time we kissed, it was everything I didn’t expect, and that’s what I loved about it. The way your lips touched mine, it literally felt like the time i got high, that numbing feeling, the taste, the way i just wanted more and how i was hoping it wouldn’t end. I loved it, and that’s when I knew I was neck-high in feelings I couldn’t handle.
Days went by. and my emotions got stronger. Like i always told myself for anyone that comes in my life, i needed to remind myself “Never underestimate someone, for their beauty is breath-taking and they are true, they’re still human, and they will leave you no matter what. it always happens.” But something told me you were different, I left for three weeks to test if you would chase after me, or just drop the ball and move forward. You passed the test.
Mixed signals and alcoholic beverages seemed to be something I was starting to know you for; the way you would keep me close, call me “yours”, kiss me in front of your friends, and hold my hand. There was nothing i loved more than that feeling, but what came with that feeling was followed by another. You would push me away emotionally, treat me like one of your friends, get extra quiet, and make me feel empty. that emotion I felt in those moments is I think what made me want you more, desiring your approval and acceptance. there was nothing I wouldn’t do for you.
Almost two months later I’m telling myself to pull away and move forward, there’s nothing I can do to make you want me and I want you too much. I want to see your smile everyday and listen to your 2:00am drunken phone calls, but I cant be that girl anymore, I know how broken you are, how hurt you’ve been but there’s too much to handle and i don’t know what i can do, you push me away, but keep me close. I cannot be to your convenience, it’s hurting me too much, I care about you, but it’s time I start caring about myself.